Murphy's Laws by Topic

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Murphy's Laws of Computer Programming

Definition: A working program is one that has only unobserved bugs.

Every non- trivial program has at least one bug
Corollary 1 - A sufficient condition for program triviality is that it have no bugs.
Corollary 2 - At least one bug will be observed after the author leaves the organization.
Bugs will appear in one part of a working program when another 'unrelated' part is modified.
The subtlest bugs cause the greatest damage and problems.
Corollary - A subtle bug will modify storage thereby masquerading as some other problem.
Lulled into Security Law
A 'debugged' program that crashes will wipe out source files on storage devices when there is the least available backup.
A hardware failure will cause system software to crash, and the customer engineer will blame the programmer.
A system software crash will cause hardware to act strangely and the programmers will blame the customer engineer.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any given program costs more and takes longer.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
Any program will expand to fill available memory.
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers can not write in English.
The documented interfaces between standard software modules will have undocumented quirks.
The probability of a hardware failure disappearing is inversely proportional to the distance between the computer and the customer engineer.

Murphy's Laws of Computation

The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
A program generator creates programs that are more buggy than the program generator.
There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
If there is ever the possibility of several things to go wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Fundamental Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure.

The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
The man who can smile when something goes wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
The higher the "higher-ups" are who have come to see your demo, the lower your chances are of giving a successful one.
Every task takes twice as long as you think it will take. If you double the time you think it will take, it will take four times as long.

DSP Paradox (Nolans Placebo): An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Variables won't, constants aren't.
There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and should read : "ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE".
A bad sector disk error or a head crash occurs only after you've done several hours of work without making a backup.
No matter how large and standard the marketplace is, IBM can redefine it.
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine stuggling to be free.

Educational Considerations

To study an application best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
Always keep a record of data, it indicates that you've been working.
Always draw your curves, then plot the data.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Program results should always be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
Don't believe in miracles. Rely on them.

It works better if you plug it in.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be dissappointed.

SNAFU Equations (JB's Scholastic Laws)

Given any problem containing N equations, there will be atleast N+1 unknowns.
An object or bit of information most needed will be the least available.
Any device requiring service or adjustment will be the least accessible.
Interchangeable devices won't.
In any human endeavor, once you've exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else.
Badness comes in waves.

At the source of every error that is blamed on the computer, you will find atleast two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
Any system which depends upon human reliability is unreliable.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
Investment in reliability will continue until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public.

Thoreau's Theories of Adaption

After months of training and you finally understand all of a programs commands, a revised version arrives with an all new command structure.
After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar "bug" in the system, the system is revised, the "bug" is taken away, and you're left with a useless routine.
Efforts in improving a programs "user-friendliness" invariably leads to improving the user's "computer literacy".
That's not a "bug", thats a feature !

An expert is the person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Dr. Caligari's Come-Back: A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done several hours of work without performing a backup.
Estridge's Law: No matter how large and standardized the marketplaceis, IBM can redefine it.
The Last One's Law of Program Generators: A program generator creates programs that are more ``buggy'' than the program generator.
Wood's Axiom: As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a life-or-death situation, the power fails.

Murphy's Computer Laws

No matter how many resources you have, it is never enough.
Any cool program always requires more memory than you have.
When you finally buy enough memory, you will not have enough disk space.
Disks are always full. It is futile to try to get more disk space. Data expands to fill any void.
If a program actually fits in memory and has enough disk space, it is guaranteed to crash.
If such a program has not crashed yet, it is waiting for a critical moment before it crashes.
No matter how good of a deal you get on computer components, the price will always drop immediately after the purchase.
All components become obsolete.
The speed with which components become obsolete is directly proportional to the price of the component.
Software bugs are impossible to detect by anybody except the end user.

Murphy's Laws of PC's

Murphy's Axiom: When something goes does go wrong, it won't be the thing you expected.
Murphy's Law of Dynamic Perspective: Your own point of view will tell you if this is truly a computer revolution, or just plain revolting.
Murphy's Law of Technology: The state-of-art computer you buy today will be a K-Mart special within 18 months.
Murphy's Rule of Lists: In any "complete list", the most important item will be left off.
Murphy's Law of Machinery: If you disassemble a machine and then reassemble it, there will always be at least one part left over.
Murphy's Secondary Law of Machinery: You'll never know what that extra part is for until you've thrown it away.
Murphy's Law of Hardware: Pandora should have opened PC.
Murphy's Law of Computer Monitors: If a computer can have only one vacuum tube, it might as well be a really big one.
Murphy's Law of Key Migration: When you finally get used to the positions of the Ctrl and Alt keys, some new industry study of ergonomics will decide that they really belong somewhere else.
Murphy's Law of Floppy-Disk Capacity: To calculate the capacity of any floppy disk, simply add up the number of bytes of data you wish to copy to it and multiply by .9, so that Capacity=(Data*.9). Then look for a second floppy disk.
Murphy's Law of Hard Disks: The bigger your hard disk seems the day you buy it, the faster it will seem to fill up.
Murphy's Law of Printers: If Gutenberg had only had a computer and printer, he may never have gotten the Bible printed.
Murphy's Law of Accessories: If they're just accessories, how come we want them so badly?
Murphy's Law of Passive Dynamics: There's really not much that can go wrong with your computer untill you turn it on.
Murphy's Law of Labels: The harder you try to come up with a descriptive file name with just eight characters, the less meaningful the name will be.
Murphy's Law of Accuracy in Commands: The beauty of a command-driven interface is that it gives you countless opportunities to type a command wrong.
Murphy's Law of Enhancements: You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you sure can add lots of bells and whistles to the pooch.
Murphy's Law of Software: If a program works perfectly and gives you absolutely no trouble go ahead, take a chance and upgrade, make my day.
Murphy's Law of GUIs: To say phooey to a GUI is no hooey.
Murphy's Law of Risk: You can't prevent disasters, but you can diminish their frequency and severity.
Murphy's Law of Prudence: Preparing for the worst doesn't mean it won't happen.
Murphy's Law of Data Loss: The probability of a hard-disk crash increases with the number of days since the drive was last backed up.
Murphy's Law of Miniaturization: Trying to encapsulate your world of personal computing into an 8 1/2 x 11 notebook computer is like attending a special seminar at Murphy's Institute.

Murphy's Hardware Laws

The maintenance engineer will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
It is axiomatic that any spares required will have just been discontinued and will be no longer in stock.
Any VDU, from the cheapest to the most expensive, will protect a twenty cent fuse by blowing first.
Any manufacturer making his warranties dependent upon the device being earthed will only supply power cabling with two wires.
If a circuit requires n components, then there will be only n - 1 components in locally-held stocks.
A failure in a device will never appear until it has passed final inspection.

Murphy's Laws on Technology

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you; tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
The first myth of management is that is exists.
A failure will not appear until the unit has passed final inspection.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
Some people manage by the book, even they don't know who wrote the book, or even what book.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
The only perfect science is hindsight.
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
When any instrument is dropped, it will roll into the least accessible corner.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
New systems generate new problems.
We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.

Conrad's Conundrum: Technologie don't transfer.

Murphy's Laws of BBS'ing

The day after you buy the fastest new modem, they will change the standard so that your modem can only talk to modems of the same brand (only 100 of which were ever sold).
The factory will ship the wrong manual with your modem and you will spend hours finding and setting dip switches that aren't even on your modem.
However the modem comes set from the factory, it will be the WRONG way to work on your machine.
No matter what solution you devise to fix a problem with your modem, it will lead to the creation of at least four other problems.
Whenever a caller has problems using the BBS, the user will insist the problem is on the sysop's side and the sysop will insist the problem is on the caller's side.
If you fail to follow the advice of more experienced modemers and use the same password on every BBS you call, someone will steal your password and make lewd comments about the sysop's mother on the boards you WERE on.
If you DO follow the advice of more experienced modemers and use a totally different password on every BBS you call, you will forget the password of the board where your date has left a message telling you where to meet them tonight.
Your spouse, who rarely visits you at your computer, will stop by at the exact moment you've receive a flirtatious page from another user...You REALLY have never chatted with them before!
You will always forget to disable call waiting when connected to a pay-by-the-minute BBS.
A truely great BBS is either illegal, immoral, or long distance from you.
If a file takes more than 30 minutes to download, someone in your house will pick up the phone within the last 15 seconds.
No matter how neutral the topic, your message will offend SOMEONE.
The first time you forget to scan your file downloads for viruses will be the first time in your life you'll actually get a virus.

Murphy's Laws of Broadcast Engineering

The likelyhood of a transmitter crashing is inversely proportional to the amount of sleep you received the previous night and your distance from the transmitter.
The likelyhood of your basketball sports gear being taken out by a player diving for a ball is directly proportional the cost of replacing the gear.
A remote checked out hours before a major remote will crash five minutes into the broadcast
Any generator started and tested before a storm will fail as soon as the power fails.
The phase that is not detected by the generator's transfer panel will always be the one to fail.
Squirrel gaurds don't.
The bullet that is forgotten while installing an antenna systems will always be at the base of the antenna, and discovered at 5pm on a Friday after the tower crew has left.
The probability of a drink getting spilled into a console is directly propotional to the cost of the console.
The on air computer system will always crash when it is on air.

Murphy's Laws for Researchers

Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Gordon's Law: If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.
Maier's Law: If the facts do not confirm the theory, they must be disposed of.
Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data are collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
Edington's Theory: The number of different hypotheses erected to explain a given biological phenomenon is inversely proportional to the available knowledge.

If you think of something new, it's been done.
If you think something is important, no one else will.
If you throw it away, someone else will publish it, obtain a grant, write a book, and get on the Oprah Winfrey show.
No theory will answer the important questions.
Corollary: All theories are irrelevant.
When you think you have discovered the real problem, you have not.
Corollary: When you are sure it is not important, it is.
Your study will only make sense as long as your research question is hazy.
The more you enjoy your research, the less data there is to support it.

Ralf's Laws of Observational Astronomy

Seeing is always (6 - (# of setup steps to do))
There are no working trigger cables, unless they are too short
Disk space is always ((Data set size) - 200 MB)
The number of terminals in a computer network is always ((number of potential users) - 1)
There are never clouds in the sky unless the setup is complete
A filter set contains all imaginable wavelengths and widths- except the one combination you need
The number of days of observation time you get is
((days for setup) + (days of bad weather) + (days when computers�are down) + (days when telescope is out of order) - 1)
Scattered light never gets into your setup where it is possible.

Murphy's Laws Concerning Education

Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross refernces.
Laws of Class Scheduling

If the course you wanted most has room for "n" students, you will be the "n+1" to apply.
Class schedules are designed so that every student will waste maximum time between classes.
Corollary: When you are occasionally able to schedule two classes in a row, they will be held in classrooms at opposite ends of the campus.
A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered only during the semester following the desired course.
Laws of Applied Terror

When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones will be illegible.
The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want
Eighty percent of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read.
The night before the English history midterm, your Biology instructor will assign two hundred pages on planaria.
Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary: If you are given a take home exam, you will forget where you live.
At the end of the semester you will recall having enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester--and never attending.
First Law of Final Exams: Pocket calculator batteries that have lasted all semster will fail during the math final.
Corollary: If you bring extra batteries, they will be defective.
Second Law of Final Exams: In your toughest final, the most distractingly attractive student in class will sit next to you for the first time.
Seeger's Law: Anything in parentheses can be ignored.
Natalie' Law of Calculus: You never catch on until after the test.
Seit's Law of Higher Education: The one course you must take to graduate will not be offered during you last semester.
Murphy's Rule of the Term Paper: The book or periodical most vital to the completion of your term paper will be missing from the library.
Corollary: If it is available, the most important page will be torn out.
Duggan's Law of Scholarly Research: The most valuable quotation will be the one for which you cannot determine the source.
Corollary: The source for an unattributed quotation will appear in the most hostile review of you work.
Rominger's Rules for Students

The more general the title of a course, the less you will learn from it.
The more specific a title is, the less you will be able to apply it later.
Hansen's Library Axiom: The closest library doesn't have the material you need.
London's Law of Libraries: No matter which book you need, it's on the bottom shelf.
Rominger's Rules for Teachers

When a student asks for a second time if you have read his book report, he did not read the book.
If attendance is mandatory, a sheduled exam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance is optional, an exam will produce persons you have never seen before.

Murphy's Laws of Teaching

An Instructor's guide to Murphy's Law.

The clock in the instructor's room will be wrong.
Disaster will occur when visitors are in the room.
A subject interesting to the teacher will bore students.
The time a teacher takes in explaining is inversely proportional to the information retained by students.
A meeting's length will be directly proportional to the boredom the speaker produces
Students who are doing better are credited with working harder. If children start to do poorly, the teacher will be blamed.
The problem child will be a school board member's son.
When the instructor is late, he will meet the principal in the hall. If the instructor is late and does not meet the principal, the instructor is late to the faculty meeting.
New students come from schools that do not teach anything.
Good students move away.
When speaking to the school psychologist, the teacher will say: "weirdo" rather than "emotionally disturbed."
The school board will make a better pay offer before the teacher's union negotiates.
The instructor's study hall be the largest in several years.
The administration will veiw the study hall as the teacher's preparation time.
Clocks will run more quickly during free time.
On a test day, at least 15% of the class will be absent
If the instructor teaches art, the principal will be an ex-coach and will dislike art. If the instructor is a coach, the principal will be an ex-coach who took a winning team to the state.
Murphy's Law will go into effect at the beginning of an evaluation.

Murphy's Laws for School Administrators

In education, the shortest distance between two points is a downward spiral.
If you think you're right...you're wrong.
If you think you're wrong...you're right.

Murphy's Laws of Dating

Just when you thought it was safe to go out ...

Every girl already has a boyfriend.
If you think things are going well in a relationship, you have overlooked something.
Given enough time, any relationship will end unhappily.
Everywhere in the world, women outnumber men. The only exceptions to this are the place you live and any place you may move to.
Women will talk to you if and only if they are unavailable.
No woman will treat you as badly as the woman you marry.

A few corollaries:

Farber's Fourth Law: Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
The Heisenberg Principle of Dating: You cannot know both the location of a female and that she is single at any given time. If the location of the female in question is known, see Law #1
Katz's Law: Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
Principle of Diminishing Returns: The amount of time you spend getting ready for a date is inversely proportional to how well it will turn out.

Murphy's Laws on Sex

The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feeling.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
The younger the better.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Love is a hole in the heart.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Thou shalt not commit adultery... unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when she's tired- or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
"This won't hurt, I promise."

Mother Murphy's Laws

The Franklin Factor

Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.

The Rat Race

If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.

The Eyeglass Prescription

Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.

The Ring Rule

Watched telephone never rings.

The Creep Call

Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.

The Fishing Forecast

They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?

The Psychological Prognosis

Love is a form of temporary insanity curable only by marriage.

The Rope Trick

Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.

Mind Over Matter

No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.

The Fault Finder

The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.

The Unintended Result

Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy.
Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex.

The Rabbit Rule

Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.

The Dangle Doctrine

You can't keep a good man down.

Twain's Truth

Familarity breed children.

The Fertility Factor

Women are only fertile a few days each month... unless they're single.

The Preparation Predicament

The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.

Murphy's Love Laws

All the good ones are taken.
If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (Corrollary to 1)
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
The best things in the world are free -- and worth every penny of it.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
Nice guys (girls) finish last.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.

Murphy's Food Laws

Everything you like is bad for you.
If it isn't bad for you, it's too expensive.
If you can afford it, it's out of season.
You will realize it's back in season the day that the grocery store runs out.
Every recipe ever written includes one ingredient that you do not have in your kitchen. If you attempt to go buy this ingredient, you will realize you are missing another one.
Substitutions never taste right.
Ovens either overcook or undercook. They never get it just right.
Microwave ovens always overcook and undercook at the same time.
The grocery store always gets a fresh shipment immediately after you buy your food for the week.
You will always forget the most important item if you don't make a list.
If you do make a list, the store will be out of your most important item.
Every item in the store will be on sale, except the ones that you want.
Coupons always expire before you have a chance to use them.
The only person who ever gets to use coupons is the person in front of you in line.
The number of coupons of the person in front of you is directly proportional to how much of a hurry you're in.
No matter which checkout line you get in, it will always be the slowest one.
The "Fast lane" isn't.
Stores open 24-hours cannot close for their daily inventory update. Therefore, they just turn off the registers for ten minutes while they "download" the data. Invariably, they will plan this event to coincide with your arrival in the checkout line.

Murphy's Laws of Eating

If you want to die healthy, you must starve to death. This is said by an unknown author (it might be myself).

Thank to the remarkable knowledge of our experts, the delight of eating is taken away from us. Don't eat this, don't eat that - papers, radio and television are united against you. Let's see some Murphy's laws about the people's favorite pastime - eating.

A law for married men

A bad dinner with your wife is worth more than a good one in the company of your mother-in-law.

The doctor's axioms

If the food is fine,

it is cancerogenic
makes you fat
or both.

For dieters

The dietary foods make you

sick
nervous
weak,

and despite of all they still don't make slim.

For heavy dieters

The quantity of the food consumed is in direct ratio to your weight.

Vegetable-law in Hungary

Vegetables are healthy. For the ones who can afford it.

At parties

When you are hungry like the wolf, they give you a half sandwich.
When you are not hungry, they serve you up more delicious courses.
When they give you a fine dinner, they forget about drinks.
When they don't forget about food and drink, both are terrible.

Law of the Green Monster

Spinach is a food, too. It is better than nothing, but worse than everything.

In restaurant #1

The food you chose from the menu is

too expensive
too cold
unfit to eat,

but still not bad enough to kill your wife.

In restaurant #2

No matter how early you have come to the restaurant - the waiter serves you last.

Rule for fine courses

The more delicious the food is, the more cholesterol it contains.

Rule for bad courses

The more terrible a food is, the healthier it is.

Axiom

Everything you like is forbidden.

Murphy's Laws on Vending Machines

Vending machines only contain edible material when you are not hungry.
The person in front of you will always get the last one.
If the vending machine actually has what you want, it will cost more than the amount of change that you have.
Anything you purchase will get stuck and hang on the edge of the rack.
If you only have dollar bills, the vending machine will reject them.
There are only two times when vending machine operators appear: when you kick the machine in disgust, and when you try to shake the machine to make your stuck snack fall.
Vending machine operators will never have a sense of irony or humor.

General Shefields Corollaries

The basic law, from which the remainder derive, is that 'If anything can go wrong, it will.' In mathematical terms this means that 1+1=2, where '=' is the mathematical symbol for 'hardly ever'. Here are a few corollaries of Edsel Murphy's Law, as quoted by General Shefield:

Financial

In any given price estimate, final cost will exceed estimates by a factor of 2.
All warranty and guarantee clauses become void upon payment of the final invoice.

Mechanical

Interchangeable parts won't.
The probability of a diagram or a specification being omitted from a shop manual is directly proportional to its importance.
A dropped tool will land where it will cause the most damage; also known as the Law of Selective Gravity.
The availability of a part is inversely proportional to the need for the part.

Assembly

Disassembly of a major component will invariably include a seized bolt.
Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally towards maximum difficulty of assembly.
The necessity for correcting mistakes in assembly increases as the assembly approaches completion.
After assembly, it will always be observed that the gasket is on the bench.
A dropped nut will seek the least level of accessibility.
A screwdriver will always slip when in the proximity of painted surfaces--Law of Centrifugal Malfeasance.

Dimensions

Any line, wire, or cloth cut to length will be too short.
Any rigid material cut to fit will be too long. When corrected, it will be too short.

Operation

Probability of failure of a component is inversely proportional to the ease of repair or replacement.
An electrical component protected by a fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.

Murphy's In Laws

Nothing is ever as simple as it first seems.
Everything you decide to do costs more than first estimated.
Every activity takes more time than you have.
By trying to please everybody, somebody will be displeased.
It is a fundamental Law of Nature that nothing ever quite works out.
It is easier to make a commitment or get involved in something than to get out of it.
Whatever you set out to do, something else must be done first.
If you improve or tinker with something long enough, eventually it will break or malfunction.
By making something absolutely clear, someone will become confused.
Every clarification breeds new questions.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient.
Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional and employ faulty reasoning.
Enough research will tend to support your conclusions.
The greater the importance of decisions to be made, the larger must be the committee assigned to make them.
The more urgent the need for decision, the less apparent becomes the identity of the decision maker.
The more complex the idea or technology, the more simple- minded the opposition.
Each profession talks to itself in its own unique language. Apparently, there is no rosetta stone. [rosetta stone: mythical stone enscribed with properties of a universal translator]

Murphy's Laws of Camping

Any stone in a hiking boot migrates to the point of maximum pressure.
The distance to a given camp site remains constant as twilight approaches.
The number of mosquitoes at any given location is inversely proportional to the amount of repellent that remains.
The probability of diarrhea increases with the square of the thistle content of the local vegetation.
Scout troops of the opposite sex are only encountered while dealing with the diarrhea mentioned above.
The area of level ground in the neighborhood tends to vanish as the need to make camp becomes finite.
In a mummy bag the urgency of ones need to urinate is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing worn. It is also inversely proportional to the temperature and the degree to which the mummy bag is completely zipped up.
Waterproof clothing isn't. (However, it is 100% effective at containing sweat).
The width of backpack straps decreases with the distance hiked. To compensate, the weight of the backpack increases.
Average temperature increases with the amount of clothing brought.
Tent stakes come only in the quantity "N-1" where N is the number of stakes necessary to stake down a tent.
Propane/butane tanks that are full when they are packed, will unexplainably empty themselves before you can reach the campsite.
Given a chance, matches will find a way to get wet.
Your side of the tent is the side that leaks.
All foods assume a uniform taste, texture, and color when freeze-dried.
Divide the number of servings by two when reading the directions for reconstituting anything freeze-dried.
When reading the instructions of a pump-activated water filter, "hour" should be substituted for "minute" when reading the average quarts filtered per minute.
The weight in a backpack can never remain uniformly distributed.
All tree branches in a forest grow outward from their respective trunks at exactly the height of your nose. If you are male, tree branches will also grow at groin height.
You will lose the little toothpick in your Swiss Army knife as soon as you open the box.
Rain. ('nuff said)
Enough dirt will get tracked into the tent on the first day out, that you can grow the food you need for the rest of the trip in rows between sleeping bags.
When camping in late fall or winter, your underwear will stay at approximately 35.702 degrees Kelvin no matter how long you keep it in your sleeping bag with you.
Bears. (see Rain)
The sun sets three-and-a-half times faster than normal when you're trying to set up camp.
Tents never come apart as easily when you're leaving a site as when you're trying to get them set up in the first place.
When planning to take time off of work/school for your camping trip, always add an extra week, because when you get home from your "vacation" you'll be too tired to go to back for a week after.

Murphy's Military Laws

Friendly fire -- aint.
Recoilless rifles -- aren't.
Suppressive fires -- won't.
If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it up, paint it.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
The Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire .
The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it .
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
Field experience is something you never get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.
If the enemy is in range so are you.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.
It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Military Intelligence is an oxymoron.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
Murphy was a grunt.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
Never tell the Captain or Deputy Captain you have nothing to do.
Friendly fire isn't.
Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
Odd objects attract fire never lurk behind one.
One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
Suppressive fires won't.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
- when they're ready.
- when you're not.
The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
The seriousness of a wound (in a firefight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.
The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
Things that must be together to work usually can't be shipped together.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA, MIA or WIA.
To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
Tracers work both ways.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
Uniforms only come in two sizes, too small and too large.
Weather ain't neutral.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
No OpPlan ever survives initial contact.
All five-second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
The easy way is always mined.
There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

New Military Laws

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend.
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Automatic weapons - aren't.
Never mind the bullet with your name on it, try to avoid the shrapnel addressed to occupant.
Body count math -> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
Your weapon was made on an assembly line by the same type of people who made your car.
All 15 round magazines will be a few rounds short in a firefight.
No one ever carries too much ammo.
Pilots who can see you when dropping you supplies cannot see you when dropping bombs.
Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
Your bivouac for the night is the spot where got tired of marching that day.
Suppressive fire works on everything but the enemy.
You are not Superman, but sometimes thinking you are will save you ass!
There's no such thing as a "sucking chest wound," all chest wounds suck.
Anything the Army says is man-portable, isn't.
All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets, ... printed at different scales.
What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he's fallen back too far.
The weight of all of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it.
There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander.
If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.
Mine fields are not neutral. They attack both armies.
The effective radius of a hand grenade is greater then the average grunt can throw it.
Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
If it flies, it dies.
Peace is our profession, mass murder's just a hobby.
If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.
Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
If you find yourself in front of your platoon they know something you don't.

Murphy's Laws of Sewing

Fusible interfacings always fuse to the iron.
The serger only eats the customer's garment.
If you need 6 buttons, you will find 5 in your button box.
The seam you meant to rip out is invariably the other one.
When you are in a hurry, the needle eye is always too small.
The fabric you forgot to pre-shrink will always shrink the most.
The pattern you wanted to make again will have one key piece missing.
If you drop something out of your sewing basket, it will be your box of pins .... with the cover off.
Whenever the construction process is going well, the bobbin thread runs out.
The magnitude of the goof is in direct proportion to the cost of the fabric.
Your lost needle will be found by your son, husband or brother-in-law... while walking around barefoot.
Facings tend to be sewn to the wrong side. (Opposite sides attract).
Collar points don't match, and you've trimmed all the seams.
The iron never scorches the garment until its final pressing.
The steam iron only burps rusty water on light silk fabric.
The sewing machine light usually burns out on Sunday.
Pinking shears get dull just by looking at them.
Gathering threads always break in the middle.
The scissors cut easiest past the buttonhole.

Sad Truths of Life

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
Design flaws travel in groups.
In America, it's not how much an item costs that matters, it's how much you save.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
You never find a lost article until you replace it.
Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
You can lead a man to slaughter, but you can't make him think.
Don't get mad, get even.
Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation.
You can't fight the law of conservation of energy but you sure can bargain with it.
If it's good, they'll stop making it.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Fools rush in where fools have been before.
You get the most of what you need the least.

Murphy's Laws for Frequent Flyers

No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Murphy's Driving Laws

If you try to leave the proper driving distance between you and the car in front of you, someone will always move in.
The guy that has a bumper sticker that says "If you can read this, You're too close" always tailgates.
Trucks that overturn on the highway are alway filled with something sticky.
There's always room to merge behind a diesel bus.
As soon as you change lanes to a faster lane, it becomes the slowest lane.
If you try to change lanes to get off the ramp, the guy in the lane to your right will always speed up.
Wherever you park your car in the summer, the sun is always shining on the driver's seat.
It takes longer to get there than it does to get back.
If all the cars are coming your way -- you're probably going the wrong way on a one-way street.
If you park several blocks away from your destination, there will always be a parking space right in front of it.
The first bug to land on your clean windshield will always splatter right in front of your eyes.
When you need to change a flat tire, you discover that the spare tire is flat too.
The air conditioning breaks down on the hottest day of the year.
A ding in the door is more aggravating than a dent.
A traffic light will always turn yellow as you approach it.
Your car never malfunctions or makes the same noise in front of your mechanic.
Your car runs worse after being serviced.
The engine falls out of the car the day after the warranty expires.
Your car horn will always get stuck when your're behind a group of "Hell's Angels".

Murphy's Horse Laws

If you do a thorough check of your trailer before hauling, your truck will break down.
There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
Tack you hate never wears out; blankets you hate cannot be destroyed; horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive you.
Clipper blades will become dull only when the horse is half finished. Clipper motors will quit only when you have the horse's head left to trim.
If you're wondering if you left the water on in the barn, you did. If you're wondering if you latched the pasture gate, you didn't.
One horse isn't enough; two is too many.
If you approach within 50 feet of the barn in your "street clothes," you will get dirty.
You can't push a horse on a lunge line.
If a horse is advertised "under $5,000," you can bet he isn't $2,500.
The number of horses you own increases according to the number of stalls in your barn.
An uncomplicated horse can be ruined with enough schooling.
You can't run a barn without baling twine.
Hoof picks migrate.
Wind velocity increases in direct proportion to how well your hat fits.
There is no such thing as the "right feed."
If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
If you're winning, quit.

Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts

Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
You will have trouble with the ties on your gi pants when members of the opposite sex are in class.
The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking and sweeping techniques.
If you have to use your training in self-defence, your assailant's father will be a lawyer.
After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt grading.
In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
No matter how many times you take care of it before your grading, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.

Murphy's Laws on Work

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong
until the next person quits or is fired.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ....)
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

Murphy's Bush Fire Brigade Laws

Don't look conspicuous. When your dealing with the public it draws stupid questions. Back on Station it draws Crew Leaders.
There is always an easy way.
The easy way usually results in more damage done than less or is blocked by a large, pissed off dog who hasn't eaten in a week.
When dealing with the public try to look unimportant, They may go and find someone else to ask that stupid question to.
Falling trees have the right of way.
Uniforms only come in two sizes, too small and too large.
If your Captain can see you then so can the public.
Never worry about the falling tree branch with your name on it. Instead, worry about the falling tree addressed, "TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN".
If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.
It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.
Priorities are made by Crew Leaders, not GOD. Theres a difference.
Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
Never tell the Captain or Deputy Captain you have nothing to do.
Crew leaders and above never watch until you make a mistake.
One Crew leader is never enough but two is entirely too many.
A clean and dry set of overalls is a magnet for mud and rain.
The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
the more an item of equipment costs, the farther you have to send it away to be repaired.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Interchangeable parts don't, leak proof seals will and self starters wont.
The Item of equipment that usually wont start or jams when you need it the most is the pump.
You aren't Superman.
If it's stupid but it works, it ain't stupid.
The important things are always simple.
The simple things are always hard.
Beer Math -> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
The more stupid the leader is, the more important tasks he is ordered to carry out.
The self-importance of a Deputy Captain is inversely proportional to his actual importance in the chain of command.
Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the Fire Control Officer is watching.
As soon as you are served hot food in the field, it rains.
If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution. see rule 23

Murphy's Laws of Corn Growing

Two of the more prized books in my collection are a couple of small volumes written by Arthur Bloch, entitled "Murphy's Laws and Other Reasons Why Things Go Wrong" and Murphy's Laws: Book Two". I expect that many of you are already familiar with Murphy's Law, at least in practice, if not in words. It states, "If anything can go wrong, it will." Sounds much like farming doesn't it?

These books are filled with dozens of similar little quips that sum up everyday life perfectly. However, although these "laws" cover most aspects of modern civilization, few apply directly to agriculture. Because I felt that this was too great an omission to overlook, I set out to write a few "laws" of my own.

Macadam's Law:: Your worst looking field will always be next to the paved road used by your banker and most of your neighbours.
Deere's Dictums:

Machinery never breaks down when you don't really need it.
Unloading augers break only when the combine bin is completely full.
If both the monitor and the planter are going to breakdown, they will do so simultaneously.
Mechanics' Maxims:

The most essential parts are always on back-order.
A nut dropped on the ground will roll until it finds a crack to fall into.
Corollary: The more you need the nut, the deeper and narrower the crack will be.
The tool you need is back at the shop.
Precipitation Precepts:

The more work you have to get done, the more likely it is to rain.
It never hails on bare ground.
Following a summer-long drought, the rainfall received during harvest will be equivalent to twice the accumulated moisture deficit for the entire growing season.
Meyer's Laws:: Mud-holes are deeper than they look.
The Law of Inverse Visibility:: The nozzle behind the sprayer tank will be the first one to plug
Kibitzer's Constant:: When you can't discover the cause of a breakdown, all of the free advice you get will be for things you've already checked.
The Humus Homily:: The field that most needs manure is the one farthest from the barn.
Planter's Paradox:: When you mistakenly plant at too high a population, every seed will grow.
The Puncture Principle:: Nails are selectively attracted to the inside dual.
Tare's Tenets:

Weeds are the only plants that thrive in miserable weather.
The twitchgrass is always greener on your side of the fence.
Problem weeds appear first at the back end of the field you visit least.
Corollary: You won't see them until the seeds have gone through the combine.
Sam Slick's Sophism:: The number of salesmen that will call on you on any given day will be directly proportional to the amount and urgency of the work you have to get done.; Corollary: None of them will be selling anything you want.
Scuffler's Law:: Weed escapes increase exponentially once the corn is too big to cultivate.
The Entomologist's Edict:: Corn borers are selectively attracted to the hybrid with the weakest stalks.
The Dicamba Dictum:: Spray drift is selectively attracted to soybean fields.
Plowman's Precept:

Coulters never fall off on the headlands.
The last round to be plowed next to the line fence is always one furrow narrower than the plow.
The Harvester's Homily:: Stones get bigger at night.
Dunlop's Dictum:: Tires never go flat when the gravity wagon is empty.
Brokers' By-Law:: The futures market will go up the limit the day after you sell.
The "Golden" Rule:: If you stop for a beer, after having been in the field since 5 a.m., the first person you see will be: a) your banker b) your minister or c) your mother-in-law. (Note: "Molson's Golden" is a brand of beer in Canada.)
Dave's Dogma:: The only person your family pet ever bites will be: a) your banker b) your minister or c) the local animal control officer.
The Potash Principle:: If your hired man spreads fertilizer on the wrong field, he will put it on one that already tests "Excessive".
The Taurine Tenet:: Cattle never break out while you're watching.; Corollary: You'll find them in the field you entered in the crop competition.
Postal Postulate:: The announcement of the one meeting you most wanted to attend will arrive in the mail the day after the event.
The Carbonate Constant:: The field that most needs lime will be the one you've just converted to no-till.
Shell's Law:: The day you let your cousin from the city fuel up your biggest tractor will be the day after the dealer put gasoline in the diesel tank.
The Perverse Principles of Temperature Regulation:: On the hottest day of the year, the air conditioner on your tractor will break down, the heater will be stuck on "High", and all of the windows will be seized shut.; On the coldest day of the year, the heater will break down, the air conditioner will be stuck on "High" and the windows will be seized open.

Now if the truth of all these laws makes you depressed, just remember that Murphy's Law even applies to itself. At times, it goes wrong too, allowing you to accomplish something.

Murphy's Laws of Locksmithing

An Irish bartender named Murphy is credited with a large and still growing (despite his death) number of laws relating to the likely hood of difficulties. Some thing Murphy was a pessimist. True Pessimists feel he was unduly optimistic and fear that things are really much worse. Here are a few of the laws that apply to Locksmithing.

A broken lock will always work when demonstrated for the locksmith.
- The lock will stop working the minute the locksmith leaves.
- The only thing you didn't check for a malfunction, will be the source of the problem, but you won't find it until you are called back.
What ever the customer has told you to prepare for the service call will be wrong.
A dropped part will always roll to the exact geographic center of the largest available object for it to roll under.
The probability of the loss or breakage of any part is directly proportional to the difficulty of getting a replacement part.
- Irreplaceable parts will always break or be lost, and at the worst possible time.
- Replaceable parts will only become available after an important deadline has passed.
Parts that are difficult to install will freely fall out on their own.
Parts that go in easily will be extremely hard to remove, and removal will be necessary to accomplish the needed repair.
The part you will need will be the irreplaceable part you threw away last week because there are no more locks of that type around
The number of customers that visit your shop is inversely proportional to the number of employees you have to wait on them.
- When your entire staff is available no one will come.
- When you are there alone, everyone will come and they will be impatient.
The probability of an auto lockout varies directly with the intensity of the rain.
The length of time it take to open any vehicle varies directly with the intensity of the rain.
The length of time it take to open a vehicle or pick a lock varies directly with the number of on-lookers making fun of how long it takes you.
The length of time it take to open a vehicle or pick a lock varies directly with the number of television and move characters your customer claims can do it in only a few seconds. {There is a dispute as to whether it actually takes longer or whether time just seams to drag when certain customers are around}
The number of witnesses available is inversely proportional to the skill you demonstrate.
- There will never be anyone around to see you do something brilliant
- When you really screw up, you will get network coverage with a 40 share.
The probability of having someone closing a safe and spinning the dial while you have the back of the lock off will vary directly with the square of the number of people you tell not to touch the safe while you get something out of the truck.
- The probability of having someone close a safe and spinning the dial while you have the back of the lock off will vary directly with the square of the number of relockers that will be tripped.
- The more elaborate the precautions you take the more likely they are to close a safe and spin the dial while you have the back of the lock off. {Nothing is fool-proof because fools are too ingenuous}
The probability of arriving at the job site without a needed tool or with the wrong hardware are directly proportional with the square of the travel distance.
- You will always have what you need when the job is next to your shop.
- They lock will always be the wrong hand and not field reversible when the job is more than 1/2 hour travel.
Any written specification you have been issued by the customer will be the old one that has since been revised.
Any lock finish or style that you have with you will not match the rest of the hardware in the building.
The harder it is to obtain matching hardware, the more the customer will insist on an exact match.
- If you have an exact match the customer will say " Matching isn't important, don't you have anything cheaper?"
When a customer has a large number of specialty locks , thast lock will require very expensive service and pin kits.
- When you buy the kits, you only get to use them one time, or you find that something you already have can be used instead.
- When you don't buy the kits, nothing else that you have will work instead, and you will have constant problems that would have been avoided by buying the kits.
- By the time you finally buy the kits your lost time will exceed the cost of the kits by ten fold. Then your customer will go elsewhere.
The harder you try to get to a call quickly, the more other locksmiths will beat you to it and the less likely you are to get paid for coming out.
The more difficult the customer, the more locksmiths he calls to come out.
- The more people they call, the less likely you are to get paid.
- Major ass holes call every locksmith for a hundred miles radius.
- They only pay the first to show up and complain about the price they have to pay, even though they were quoted that price before they told you to come.
No matter how low you bid the job there is always an idiot out there willing to do it for less.
- The more you cut your price to get business, the more likely you are to go out of business.
- The more you try to compete on a price basis the lower your prices will go. Your income will follow.
The bigger your yellow pages ad is the more low priced calls from non-repeat customers you will get.
- Increasing the ad size and cost increases the percentage of low profit calls you get.
- The prize for beating out all other locksmiths for the biggest most expensive advertising in all the different yellow pages books is bankruptcy
The more you advertise that you have 24 hour service the more security guards and Insomniacs will call you in the middle of the night with request for price quotations.
- You will get angry calls from people who stopped by your shop at midnight and you weren't there even though you advertised 24 hour service.
- You will get calls after midnight from people who saw your 24 hour service claim and want to have you meet them at your shop immediately to cut one key on your 89 cent coupon special. {On this lost Leader you lose your mind and your sleep.}
Your best apprentice will quit and open a shop across the street and cut your prices. The one who is un-trainable will stay with you forever.

H.L. Mencken on Murphy

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.
Mencken's Law
- Those who can - do. Those who cannot -- teach.
- Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
Mencken's Metalaw
For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong
Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
When a man laughs at his misfortunes, he loses a great many friends. They never forgive the loss of their prerogatives.
Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sure sign he expects to be paid for it.

Murphy Laws of Antiques

Murphy's First Law of Antiques: No antique is as rare, old, or valuable as it seems-unless your neighbor owns it.
Jenning's Corollary Concerning Oriental Carpets and Pets: Old and precious carpets weaken bowels and bladders.
Shelly's Rule: The best tag sales always have the least parking.
Don's Law of Diminishing Opportunity: The odds of finding one of the forty original priceless copies of the Declaration of Independence in the backing of an old frame increased to one-in-ten-billion, after you sold yours at a flea market for five bucks last year.
Tucker Frey's Universal Truth: The only sure way to find bargain prices at an auction, is to consign your antiques there.
Hotkowski's First Law Concerning Porta-Potties and Outdoor Antique Shows: During that one ten minute period of the day when the sun blazes the hottest, Mother Nature invariably calls.
Hotkowski's Second Law Concerning Porta-Potties and Outdoor Antique Shows: The biggest, most wretched slob in three states, will always be standing one spot ahead of you in line.
McCarthy's Axiom: Tell a man you saw a flying saucer last night, and he'll believe you. Tell him your mechanical bank is in working order, and he'll put a coin in to see for himself.
Samaha's Appreciation Edict: The antiques that will rise the most in value tomorrow, are those same items you sold yesterday.
Kathy Lee's Dictum: An antique that seems too good to be true, probably is.
Einstein's Law: All people whose mother was born before the year 1945 can rest assured in the knowledge that she threw away the following articles:
A.) Your baseball card collection including two Mickey Mantle rookie cards and one Honus Wagner tobacco card in mint condition.
B.) Every Barbie and GI Joe doll including accessories, and the original boxes you painstakingly packed away in the attic.
C.) Anything having to do with the Arts & Crafts period.
D.) Uncle Mill's entire collection of hand-painted tin toys, lead soldiers, and boxed trains.
E.) Your enormous comic book collection including the first issues of Superman, Batman, and Spiderman.
Nancy's Law: The odds of the tricycle running into the card table are directly influenced by two factors; the strength of the table's legs, and the value of any objects set upon it.
Ferguson's Observation's Concerning Flea Markets: No matter how early you arrive, you'll always get there too late. The best buy of the day always take place in front of you.
The Breakability Factor of Glass and Porcelain: Any vase dropped in a tall grass meadow will invariably land on a rock. The number of rocks in the field is irrelevant.
Caba's Axiom Concerning Signatures and Paintings: The legibility of the signature is inversely proportional to the importance of the artist.
Murphy's Theory Concerning Antique Dealers: To spot the expert, pick the one who charges the most money.
Marshall's Tenets Concerning Three Day Antique Shows

If it doesn't sell in the first hour, it isn't going to sell.
If it doesn't sell in the first ten minutes it won't sell in the first hour.
Nothing sells in the first ten minutes.
Hammitt's Constant: The odds of a husband and wife agreeing on any antique purchase are practically zero.
Murphy's Formula For Discerning The Value Of Any Antique: Write down what you paid for it. Multiply that figure by two. Divide this figure in half. This is the value.
Cohan's Edict: No matter how much care and money you put into your antique collection, your neighbors are still going to think its trash.

Murphy's Law Proven with Quantum Mechanics

News From the Physics Frontier

In a startling new development in the field of physics, U.C. Berkeley professor Erwin Brodinger claims to have proven the validity of Murphy's Law--the "law" which states that anything that can go wrong will do so, and at the worst possible moment--with quantum mechanics.

"I won't go into the details," said Brodinger, "because it'd take you 50 years to understand them (if you're lucky). Suffice it to say that computer simulation has shown that, given the universe's most probable configuration, the quantum mechanical state corresponding to an intelligent being saying 'Holy shit! I'm FUCKED!' in its native language happens to be an extremely likely one. This is just one of several theoretical predictions I've worked out which show the vailidity of Murphy's Law."

Perhaps the most significant of these other predictions is what has become known the the physics community as the paradox of Brodinger's Dog.

"Basically, the idea behind Brodinger's Dog is that when a poodle takes a dump, the resulting doodie isn't really here, there, or anywhere in particular. It's in a quantum-mechanical superposition of locations, smeared out exponentially over a 10-foot or so radius-- until, that is, an observer steps into the general vicinity. Then, and only then, does it decide where it really is. As it turns out, unfortunately, 97.4% of the time it decides it's right under the observer's foot."

Does this only hold for poodles?

"Well, while doing the calculations, I made a minor simplification: in the models I used, the dog was assumed to be about half the size of an atomic nucleus. While I'm positive this assumption wouldn't prevent my results from applying to small dogs, I'm not sure about really big dogs, like, say, German Shepherds."

In collaboration with another Berkeley professor, Wiener Heifenburg, Brodinger also helped to formulate the Heifenberg Certainty Principle, which is stated as follows: the certainty that you are about to make an incredibly stupid and embarrassing mistake is directly proportional to the total importance of the people currently watching you.

Brodinger says his work was inspired by an instance last summer in which he was maimed by a pack of rabid platypuses marauding the south side of campus. "Right before a hot date I had that night, too," the professor sighed.

Anti- Murphy's Laws

If anything can go wrong, Fix It! (to hell with Murphy!)
When given a choice -- take both!
Multiple projects lead to mulitple successes.
Start at the top then work your way up.
Do it by the book...but be the author!
When forced to compromise, ask for more.
If you can't beat them, join them, then beat them.
If it's worth doing, it's got to be done right now.
If you can't win, change the rules.
If you can't change the rules, then ignore them.
Perfection is not optional.
When faced without a challenge, make one.
"No" simply means begin again at one level higher.
Don't walk when you can run.
Bureaucracy is a challenge to be conquered with a righteous attitude, a tolerance for stupidity, and a bulldozer when necessary.
When in doubt: THINK!
Patience is a virtue, but persistence to the point of success is a blessing.
The squeaky wheel gets replaced.
The faster you move, the slower time passes, the longer you live.

The Problem of Anti Gravity

The Question

But what happens if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up, to the cat's back and toss the composite out of the window? Will the cat land on its feet, or will the butter splat on the ground?

The Answer

This is the secret of antigravity. A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equillibrium. This point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilised species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs, they will immediately plummet. Of course, the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing, several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.

Why Why Why

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a tall building what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do 'tugboats push their barges?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell mnemonic?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What do you do if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

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